A Salute to Some Stuff

How I like to sing the Dandy Warhols most over-played song, "Bohemian Like You"

2010-07-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

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You got a shit car.
Yeah, what’s wrong with it today?
I used to have one too,
Maybe I’ll come and break it good.
I really hate your hairdo, yeah.
I’m glad you hate mine too,
See we’re looking pretty tool.
You betcha!

So what do you do?
Oh yeah, I hustle tricks too.
No I haven’t heard your band
Cause you guys are pretty eww.
But if you barf on Vegan food.
Well come over to my world
I’ll have them cook you something that you’ll really loathe.

Cause I hate you,
Yeah I hate you.
And I’m feeling so Bohemian, hate you,
Yeah I hate you,
Yeah I hate you,
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, achoo!

Wait. Who’s that guy just hanging at your bed?
He’s lookin’ like the runs.
Yeah you broke him that’s too bad.
I guess it’s fair if he never makes a dent
And he doesn’t get all hard
About sleepin’ on the floor when I’m there.

Cause I hate you,
Yeah I hate you.
And I’m feeling so Bohemian, hate you.
Yeah I hate you.
Yeah I hate you
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, achoo!

I’m getting fries.
And I feel so bohemian, hate you.
It’s you that I want, so freeze,
Just a casual, boring easy thing.
Is it? It is for me

And I hate you
Yeah I hate you
And I hate you, I like you, I like you,
Yeah I hate you.
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, achoo!

actual lyrics here

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Lady Gaga's Fashion Secrets Revealed!!

2010-06-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

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Now, judging from the few pieces of evidence I've collected, it's pretty obvious to me that Lady Gaga's first career goal was to be a superhero. Who knows what happen along the way. Maybe she never learned karate, was a piss-poor detective or was never hit by a high-energy wielding meteor. Regardless, even though she still dresses for the part, she obviously had to fallback on her alternative career choice: pop star.

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Tim was right. There wasn't enough dope smoking in Avatar.

2010-03-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

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Let's see if we can fix that...

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Why I also did not like Avatar...

2010-03-13T13:11:00.000-08:00

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There is nothing much else I can say about why I did not like Avatar that Samurai Frog did not nail on the head (here) except for two things:

1. Now this pet peeve is probably because I was a graphic designer for 8 years, but why on Earth, with a $400 million dollar budget, would Mr. Cameron choose one of the most common fonts in the world, Papyrus, for the Na'vi subtitles? Seriously? I mean, it comes FREE with Windows for cripes sakes. You couldn't allocate a few hundred of that $400 million to design your own?

Maybe he tried, but when he asked his CGI people they just gave him a weird look and asked him, "How do you do that?" A frustrated James Cameron probably threw up his hands and said, "Alright! Fuck it then! We're using Papyrus!"

2. This is also probably something that's just me but at the very end, when they throw the movie title up on the screen in what I think was Papyrus, and it's all emerald with back-lighting behind it. You know what it made me think of?

Jumanji.

I don't know why, but it did. Not that I dislike Jumanji, but it came off extremely cheap for some reason. Maybe I can't put my finger on it, or maybe I was just plain frustrated by the time the credits came around. Who knows......? Or maybe it was that eerily similar "My Heart Will Go On" sounding song at the end.

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Catching Up With Some Stuff

2010-02-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

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If I was told I had to give you, the gentle reader, 16 photos from my year of absence from this blog in somewhat of a chronological order, then I believe I would have to go with....

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Scenes From A Strange Mural In The Basement Of The St. John's Birthing Center

2009-12-23T10:51:00.000-08:00

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Having another 2-day sleepover at St. John's via the birth of my precious 2nd girl gave me chance to take a closer look at a mural in the lower catacombs that connects the birthing center to the cafeteria and the rest of the hospital. I made this trek several times before but, when walking with my mother-in-law on a food run, she pointed out just how weird some of it was. Here are a few scenes from it and a few interpretations:

This was the image my mother-in-law found disturbing and caused me to take a closer look at the whole thing. Not only is this chimp odd, but it's incorporated with the actual railing in the wall. My first impression (which I did not share with mother-in-law) was: "Holy shit. That cross dressing monkey's jacking off."

I think I found the ring leader. That hat has to mean she's the chief of something, and that billy club she's holding probably does the talking. The elephant won't take its eyes off it.

I'm lost with this one. Does it really take four guys to paint one kangaroo's portrait? The kid on the left seems as perplexed as me.

Sarah Palin and Ellen DeGeneres seem to be vying for the same woman's affection. I smell possible girl-on-girl-on-girl action here.

This might be a reward or a punishment for this alligator nurse. Not sure yet.

A nice candid shot of the Ghost of Christmas Present on his day off. That pissed off lion is scaring the crap out of Ignorance and Want though.

This artist just blew my mind. A medical practicing animal of flight tied to a balloon? The string's not even taut, meaning this duck(swan?) is levitating on its own. Balloon bondage must be this painter's kink.

It took me a little while, but I found the one depressed person in the crowd. I hope it's not affecting her kids too much.

Finally, I'll leave it on this note. I'm not sure what that guy is putting in his mouth, but it doesn't look like a sword to me. At least he still has his tonsils.

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WTF (Where The F*ck)

2009-12-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

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Where was I? I've been on the fringes of the internetiverse toiling with Facebook and Twitter and somehow not being that satisfied. Apart from all of that crud, I've been remodeling half of our house, having another beautiful daughter, doing a radio show on Wednesdays, still learning my new job, and etc. and etc.

I miss you blog. I've had many an idea but neither the energy nor the time to fulfill my web log's dreams. I know not many care, but to tell you the truth, I don't care about many. My web log is for me and little else. I will try and pay a little more attention to you my dear blog and hopefully will have more than 5 posts for 2010.

Hang in there, me. I know you'll find a way to post more stuff soon. Even if it's with a new born in one arm, a two year old hanging off my back and a sheet of drywall in the other hand.

We'll get there...

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Modern Ninja

2009-08-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

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Another Tim idea brought to life..

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Sir Alec Guinness

2009-06-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

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Obama!!

2009-01-20T18:52:00.001-08:00

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Wooooooooooooo!

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Leah Gets The Googles

2009-01-09T21:53:00.000-08:00

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My little girl is 1. I wish this time would last forever. But I know it gets even better.

I was on my laptop the other day. I had just opened it when Leah walked up. She gave me that grin, like she knew all the secrets of the universe, and started banging away at the keyboard. Normally I don't let her do this for the electronic's sake, but this time I wanted to see where she would go with it.

Somehow, she managed to open the web browser. The result was my daughter's very first Google search.

Don't worry, my child. One day you'll get a match. I promise.

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The Last Huygens?

2008-12-31T12:32:00.000-08:00

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here

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Merry X-Mas!

2008-12-24T10:03:00.000-08:00

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Well, all three of us are sick right now, the house is a mess, our credit card number got hacked and there's still no world peace. But hey, those are just little things.

Merry X-Mas from our family to all of yours and have a Happy New Year!

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Our Dear Governor....With Critters!

2008-12-19T08:36:00.001-08:00

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Infected

2008-12-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

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I have fought it too long and finally succumbed to the Splotchy Strain. It's a story virus that people pass around like a wet hacking cough. But this no normal strain. It's constantly mutating. Each person infected must add a little to the story given to them already in progress and then try to infect (reinfecting is allowed) other bloggers with it.

I really dig the concept. Each person tagged creates an alternate universe branch to the same root beginning and things get all kinds of mad, multi-dimensional timeline shit up in here. What the hell did I just say?

Anyway, here is the story thus far. I will add my bit and pass it on. Also, if you so choose, you can end the story.

The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)

Its owner, a fat shifty-looking hillbilly, slouched uncomfortably under the weight of his Bulgarian army surplus wool coat and cap. I could tell he wasn't cut out for this weather. He jerked around, almost spastic, when he felt the box tap against his feet. He gulped and stared at me bug-eyed, one obscene rivulet of sweat running down his temple, down along his jaw, finally disappearing somewhere between his second chin and the fake fur collar of his coat.

Right away, and for no good reason, he pissed me off. (Bubs)

He would not stop staring at me. I could hear his wheezing breath. I could smell every stinking minute of his sputtering life. My muscles tensed.

We were a little isolated from the rest of the riders. I looked around. Apart from a couple greasy-looking hippies stealing glances in my direction, everyone was in their own dazed world. Another rivulet of sweat began the long journey down the hillbilly's fat face. He licked his lips.

Enough was enough. I shot my arm up and popped him right between the eyes, snapping his head back. He slumped forward. I felt my anger slowly recede. I reached over him, took the cap off his head and placed it on my own. It smelled like a slaughterhouse, but it would keep me warm.

In the corner of my eye, I noticed the hippies making their way over to me. The man, wearing a dirty poncho and sporting a handlebar mustache, sat down in my seat. I reflexively scooted over to not have him in my lap. The girl, a smallish brunette wearing heavy black eyeliner and a shapeless green coat, sat behind me.

"You see, Snow?" the man said. "I knew he was the one. Did you see that jab?"

"Whatever," Snow said.

"That was great, man. Snow thought the guy in front of you was the one."

He must have spotted confusion in my eyes. "We saw the box, but we didn't know if it was yours." The man smiled broadly. "I'm Rain. You're Leaf, right?"

I looked at him more closely. He was wearing a shoulder holster under his poncho. He had deep green eyes that were sharp and serious. The smile left his face as abruptly as it had appeared. "You better get the box ready." (Splotchy)

"Don't listen to him." Instantly my eyes locked onto the source of the plea. To my astonishment, it was coming from the box. Talking to no one in particular, I asked the obvious question. "Did that box just talk?"

Rain's composure instantly changed. A relaxed and inviting demeanor turned into tense ice. "We don't have time for chitchat. We're here to help. Now get your shit in check and let's get rolling." I guess being on a bus doing 65mph down the highway was not rolling enough for him.

"He's lying to you." The box whispered. I still couldn't tell if Rain or Snow could hear the box or if they were just ignoring it. If they couldn't hear it, then what did that say about my current sanity? If they could hear it, then I knew I was in deep.

"They're not here to help." Venom, pain and truth could all be heard in the box's words. Rain's hands never moved but seemed to be creeping towards his holster at the same time. He said, "I know what you're thinking."

The box said, "Look down." I took a millisecond glance. I saw what it was trying to show me. Rain followed my glance instinctively but did not understand. His distraction gave me the time to do what I needed to. There was no going back.

In one quick motion, I reached over and pulled the gun out of Rain's holster while simultaneously pulling my own out of my coat. One second later, both barrels were aimed at their foreheads.

Rain was still startled, but Snow was quicker on the uptake. She knew what was happening and went for her side arm under her coat the second I started moving, but she was too late. I squeezed both triggers. There was a flash, thunder and, suddenly, a lot more Snow and Rain around the bus.

The other passengers lit up in panic. A large older woman near the front stood up on her seat and screamed as if she had seen a rat. People were screaming and pushing to get closer to the exits and away from me and the still falling bodies. The box had a siren like quality to its voice. "We have to leave this place."

I picked up the cardboard cube. When I had first accidentally kicked the box, it had seemed heavy. Now, it had almost no weight at all. I looked down at Rain's feet. They were fitted in standard NSA issued footwear. Sloppy.

I looked forward. Through his passenger mirror I saw the bus driver was stunned with his mouth agape. The whole incident had locked him in an automatically driving stupor even though the rest of the occupants were screaming and hitting him to pull over and stop.

Suddenly, a large black object flew past the windows and disappeared. I couldn't tell what it was in such a brief glimpse, but my subconscious screamed "unmarked helicopter" and shared that knowledge. That's when the roof disintegrated. (Manx)

Continue this story virus if you so choose...
I tag:

Tim
D-Cap
Cowboy The Cat
John
Anon Com
Johann
and finally, Splotchy(reinfecting), because he deserves it for starting it all.

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Well-Known People That I Want To Punch In The Hair

2008-12-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

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1. pete wentz

2. katie holmes

3. patrick dempsey

4. nancy grace

5. edward cullen

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SOL

2008-12-01T07:03:00.001-08:00

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My "snicker-out-loud" moment of the day came when I saw this on a desk of one of our clients. I had seen it floating around the webs, but it was funny to see it printed out.

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Chef Manx's Simple Everyday Recipes

2008-11-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

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Frozen Pizza (serving size: you)
1. Buy a frozen pizza
2. Cook it
3. Eat it
4. Repeat

Raid the Refrigerator (serving size: 2)
1. Preheat oven to 400 if you’re cold
2. Open the refrigerator
3. Get out a lot of stuff
4. Make a big pile
5. Take at least 2 bites of everything
(including butter, dressing, and spices)
6. Put everything away
7. Repeat

Air (serving size: 7,000,000,000)
1. Get in the car and start driving
2. Accelerate to 35mph
3. Roll down the window
4. Lean head out window
5. Eat Air
6. Repeat

* Chef Manx has many false degrees in cooking from the Moose Dreams School of Fine Arts and is the owner of two pretty good restaurants in the PC Sims game “Restaurant Empire”.

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New Huygens!

2008-11-11T11:58:00.000-08:00

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Huygens goes out there.

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Throwing My Pen Back Into The Ring

2008-11-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

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As I said in a previous post, I planned to get back into illustrating, among many other things. This is a preliminary rough sketch of a signature character of mine, Manx, in what will be an online comic coming this Spring. I will probably create another blog dedicated to these online comics, but I will continue to feature the rough drafts and sketches here. More to come my friends....

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How Does My Baby Roll?

2008-11-09T14:55:00.000-08:00

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Vs (Round 3)

2008-11-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

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Round 3 continues my satirical take on comic book industries mashing characters together in awful stories just to make a paycheck.

1. Snuggle the Bear Vs Iron Man
The story: This is the sad tale of yet another fabric softener mascot gone insane from huffing one too many dryer sheets. In a permanent state of tripping balls, Snuggle arms himself thoroughly and starts harassing city hall. The Avengers draw straws to decide who gets to deal with this extremely fragrant foe. To his dismay, Iron Man's left holding the short stick.

2. Doctor Strange Vs Lucky the Leprechaun
The story: In his 23rd and final attempt, Doctor Strange tries to acquire the charms of the elusive leprechaun. But this is one bit of dark magic Strange will never obtain as Lucky proves, once again, he is the bane of small children and sorcerers alike.

3. Bender Vs Magnus the Robot Fighter
The story: Actually, I don't really have a story for this one. I just liked doing the cover. Plus, I never read Magnus the Robot Fighter anyway. I never did like his outfit. And why robots? If he lives in a world where that many robots need beaten up, then I don't want to read about it.

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Celebrity Mugshot Impersonation Vol 2: Macaulay Culkin

2008-10-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

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I'm not sure what Macaulay's secret was, but mine was Pabst Blue Ribbon.

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New Huygens!

2008-10-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

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His adventures are fewer and far between these days, but he's still here.

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Camping, Chores and More...

2008-10-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

"Where was I? I was at home." - Al Pacino

Project #438: The deck.

It's about 40 years old. It's too bad it was neglected for so long before we got here. Unfortunately the decay accelerated rather quickly in the last year while we were focused on other projects around the house. There was only one thing to do...

Tear-it-up, dube!

Oh, crowbar and hammer. Is there anything you can't do.

Immediately after removal of the top layer, the dogs began excavating the site by digging. We found an ancient coin and a light saber, obviously from a long long time ago.

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I'm playing with wiggle-wump every chance I get.

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I also went camping with the pops. My parents own a few acres in the Ozarks of Missouri near the Current River. It's far from civilization and nicely remote.

It's a four/five hour ride. The journey spans the flats of Illinois to the rolling mountains of Missouri. The road slowly degrades the closer we get. We started out on semi-well groomed 4 lane highways and had everything in between that and driving through bushes on what was once a path to the camp site before one flood too many.

And now, scenes from a roughing-it...

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Joe Biden....With Critters!

2008-09-29T22:16:00.000-07:00

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Sarah Palin....With Critters!

2008-09-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

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Like Congress, Like Blog

2008-08-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

And like Congress, A Salute to Some Stuff will be away for awhile.

After 15 years in the printing profession, I am changing careers. There are many reasons for this and I will not bore you with them except the main one. I will be able to spend more time with my baby girl.

Another one is this new field I will venture into, networking/servers, will be far less taxing on my imagination than the graphic design, high-paced, kill-or-be-killed, printing field I dwell in. I will have more free time to delve into the things I've been wanting to do (writing, comics, dark children's books, etc).

Some of these ideas might take the form of new blogs. I expect A Salute to Some Stuff will undergo a metamorphosis in that time. It will probably become more of a forum to salute my stuff.

Rest assured, The Adventures of Huygens Sideways and The Flip Side will have no pause in their irregularly scheduled programming. And do not worry, for skits like ...with Critters! will not go away. There may still be some Find the Yodas left in me as well.

Have a great summer,
and gods bless...

- Manx

For the kids...

2008-07-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

More offerings from the National Geographic's Cartoon Factory...

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Clap for me!

2008-07-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

As you all know, July is Manx Birthday Month. And I know that you have all been waiting for that list of things I require. Very well, here it is...

~H~ - HDDN Headlines: It is your wifely duty to take me to see The Dark Knight. It says so in the bible.

Tim - A Cushy Blog/A Blog of Notes: Take me to see X-Files: I Want To Believe and promise to say some of your "I know what I saw, Mulder, but I don't know what I saw" and "I think I just barfed myself up" lines during the course of it.

Splotchy - I,Splotchy/The Signage of Negative Space/Who's in Charge Here/A Blog of Notes: I require a doodle. Preferably: The circle of life/infinity, represented by Toby Keith putting a boot up his own ass.

Cowboy the Cat - The Hidden Agenda of Cowboy the Cat: If you ever discover a new kind of spore in your days to come, please name it: Mesofeel Yewuppa.

Anonymous Communist: Hope all is well and to see you back at it sometime soon.

Samurai Frog - Electronic Cerebrectomy: Being of the same age and enjoying your write-ups about movies, I was wondering if you would ever saw and would like to tackle Galaxy of Terror or Blood Beach. Two movies I watched that warped me as a 7 year-old in the 80s. If not, then a photo of Rachel Weitz and Kate Winslet making out will do.

BeckEye - The Pop Eye: I've already received the Firecrotch of the Month award and that should last a good year. If you can try and make sure I win at least once next year, then we're legit. Almost too legit.

Distributorcap - Distributorcap NY: Just like our president, keep doing what you do best. Clearing some Bush.

John/Micah - Just Two Guys: Start taking a 10 second moment of silence for each new species that goes extinct on your show.

Johann - Johann Drops a Blog: Stay cranky. Promise to yell at least five children to get off your lawn this year.

Kenny - Movies and Music : Pass or Fail?: I'd like to see your take on Animal Collective's Campfire Songs. Would you pass it or fail it?

The Eleventh Hour: A beer recommendation for a guy who really loves Guinness and Beamish but not Guinness Extra Stout.

If some of you are unable to do the things I ask, then I understand. A card and some money or check will do just fine. Better yet, forget the card. Thank you, and remember....

An Owed Post

2008-07-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

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I'm going to give up apologizing for my long pauses between posts. Hey, I'm a busy guy. Give me a break......I sure do need it. Work and work at home boil to a froth more and more lately. But, I will share with you a little of my doings that have transpired...

Yes, the roof. It is done. Thank the roof gods. Waking up at 6:00 am to pounding above your head was getting a little old. But the work crew were nice and we gave them a cooler of beer on their last day. Such a lovely shade of blue-gray, too.

Now, it's all up to me. I'm charged with replacing soffits and reinforcing rotted rafter tails in order to put up the new fascias. I'm up to my neck in 2x6's, 1x4's and 2x8's. Lots of arm-cutting-up action, boy howdy.

It's not been all work and toil, though. We met up with Tim and other friends at Cafe Kanichiwa for their closing weekend celebration. The Newcastle had run dry, only one Red Stripe was left but wonderfully the Guinness was still flowing, albeit lukewarm. Hopefully Kanichiwa will open back up soon at a less crime-ridden locale.

Grant was in town on leave for the 4th weekend from Fort Riley. We had a great time hanging out and watching some Rifftrax. We met up with him and the rest of ~H~'s family out at Lake (Septic) Springfield to show Leah her first fireworks. The booms didn't even phase her. Such a trooper.

OK, back to work. Because of our shitty roof, water leaked in and started to warp our laminate floor in the kitchen/dining room. Now I had the fun, and not so easy, chore of ripping up the soaked chunks and replacing them. Weeeeeee. As you can see, ~H~ gives her two cents on the whole affair in the pic above.

And finally, how can I sit at a computer and blog when this beautiful creature wants my attention?

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An Apology ( a.k.a. I want to punch "Jason" in the crotch until he throws up.)

2008-07-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

I had to delete my last post because this asshole-fux, named "Jason", kept leaving the same stupid and intrusive spam comment.

So if anyone out there knows this "Jason" with his spamming of blogs with the promise of making $900 a week tendencies, please tether his testicles thusly and don't stop until he utters a noise similar to a feline taking down a mid-sized rodent. Thank you.

Find The Yoda!

2008-06-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

Tim is the mack-daddy. He found Yoda in A2 first.

All of your extra credit was hilarious and made me realize how nonsexual I would like to keep thinking about Yoda. Thanks!

Oh, Samurai, I think you forgot about the extra credit portion, but you still have time if you want a half an egg!

And now to the good stuff. Tim gets a "7", Cowboy The Cat gets a "5".

The Loot updated:
Tim: 7 1/2
Splotchy: 5 1/2
Cowboy The Cat: 5
Samuraifrog: 3
~h~: 1 1/2
Beckeye: 1 1/2
Anonymous Communist: 1 1/2
Eric: 1/2

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Yoda apologizes yet again for his long absence. He's been beach combing for a date. One time it took him 105 years to finally score with a hottie. See is you can spot which grid square he's trying to mack in.

The Rules:
1. Control. You must learn control.
2. One guess per guesser.
3. No backsies if your answer is wrong.
4. If no one guesses right, the match will begin again.
5. Extra points will be given if you can come up with a patented Yoda beach pick-up line.

click for larger view

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Words...

2008-06-25T08:05:00.001-07:00

I will miss George Carlin. Not just for being one of the best and funniest voices of reason for many decades, but because the was a personal influence in my writing and thinking.

He made me realize the fun that could be had with words and language in general. When I was an impressionable preteen, I caught one of his stand-up routines in which he was talking about the fun that could be had with words and the endless possibilities of connecting them.

He said, "I'll bet I can say three phrases you've never heard in your life right now."

1. "I'm pregnant, you're the father and I'm going to kill all three of us."

2. "Do what you want to the woman, but leave me alone."

3. "After I stick this hot poker up my ass, I'm going to cut my dick off."

I'll miss you, George.

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Bush's Last European Tour....with Critters!

2008-06-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

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So long, and thanks for all the roof...

2008-06-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

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The work has begun.

We were finally forced to give up W's stimulus money to replace our rotting roof. I did so enjoy seeing that money in my account though. I wrote the largest check I have ever written yesterday and handed it to our contractor. He rolled it up and put it in his sock. In his defense, I don't think he had any pockets at the time.

Now, let's just hope that loan goes through so we can pay for the rest...

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A Worthy Cause

2008-06-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

The notable patriot, Splotchy, has stoked the fires of freedom and started a wonderful thing. He, like many of us, just want Bush to go away. He has also invited worthy bloggers to modify the picture above to what ever their hearts desire as long as the text stays. He posts the contributions on the same site for everyone to enjoy. Here are my contributions...

Incidentally, I think this movement might be working. I heard on the news this morning that there weren't as many protesters to meet Bush as he started his, possibly last, European tour. Maybe people just want him to go away and aren't bothering to give him the time of day anymore. Even for a protest.

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Celebrity Mugshot Impersonation Vol 1: Mel Gibson

2008-06-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

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This will probably not be a regular skit, but while getting ready for work one morning, I was looking in the mirror and thinking, "Where have I seen this profile before?"

But for all you sequel lovers -- Coming in 2009: Nick Nolte!
Sorry for the delay but I've got to grow my hair out a little and pick up a crappy Hawaiian shirt.

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Dodge Meme

2008-05-28T13:03:00.001-07:00

Normally, I dodge as many memes as I can. Nothing against anybody, but lately I have had little time for them (I have three hungry blogs to feed, man). But since it's CTC, I'll spare a few minutes. He's seemed to have less time than me of late.

The meme wants me to tell you six stuffs about myself. OK, meme. I give, shoot.

I. What was I doing 10 years ago?

Thinking about ten years ago tugs on my heart strings a little. I was in heaven. I was living with my fiancée in a two story, 100 year-old farm house on an acre of land with woods in our back yard and cornfields in front of our soccer field sized front yard. I was jamming, making art and all around enjoying life. We just got our first (and best ever) dog, Luna.

Heaven had its Hell, though. It was called redneck neighbors and working at Kinko's full time.

II. What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order)

1. After a long holiday weekend, not seeing any family for one day. (failed)
2. Do CTC's meme. (succeeded)
3. Kiss my baby girl at least 20 times on the head. (succeeded)
4. Start on my story. (might succeed)
5. Fix all 82 things wrong with my house. (undoubtedly will fail)

III. Snacks I enjoy:
I enjoy all kinds of snacks. Rich snacks, healthy snacks, it just depends on my mood at the time. But, there are three snacks that I tend to gravitate towards and have so ever since I was a child.

1. Planter's Sunflower Seeds. (Has to be Planter's brand with the shells still on.)

2. Cheerios. (Plain. No Milk. Just in a bowl.)

3. Saltines. (Plain. Nothing on them. Maybe with a glass of water.)

I promise I am more exciting than my preferred snacks.

IV. Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Give! Give! Give! Seriously, I can not handle that much money. I would give it to those who really need it or actually like money (wisely, though). I know a few billion dollars is not enough to fix the planet's woes, but at least I could help a lot more people than with what's in my savings account now.

Or hire a small, heavily trained, heavily armed, elite team of covert operatives to kidnap the world's leading scientists and force them to fix the energy crisis.

Or just use the money to hire the same scientists to do the same thing. Although, I like the sound of that heavily armed team thing.

V. Place(s) I have lived:

1. Springfield, IL.
(Unless you count camping as temporarily living somewhere else. In that case, a lot of places.)

VI. People I want to know more about:

Everyone.

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Manx Family Portrait 2008

2008-05-26T08:54:00.001-07:00

An Obligatory Cute Baby Leah Realization

2008-05-16T21:58:00.000-07:00

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Favorite Headline of the Day

2008-05-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

Vatican: It's OK To Believe In Aliens
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And if you're interested:
the story

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Flipping Off Some Stuff with ASTSS

2008-05-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

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The original content of this skit has been moved. Please direct your inquiries here.

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The Good, the Bad and the Pretty

2008-05-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to think about our annual cycle in terms of insects. Instead of four seasons, there are three. They are called High Bugs, Low Bugs and No Bugs. High Bugs being the months of April through September, Low bugs being the months of October and March and No Bugs are the months of November through February. Keep in mind my view is derived from growing up in central Illinois.

I don't mind insects at all. Sure they bug me sometimes, but they were here first and all. My impartiality is probably from the many camping trips I took as a child. Nature, and bugs, just seemed like a natural thing. You learn to deal with, or just coexist with the little buggers.

Then, you had a cool four months off from them. Aside from the random roach or house spider. Thankfully I've only seen the house spider. That's why I keep him around.

I'd like to, for no good reason, tell you about some insects and their relation to me. Since we're in full High Bug season, I thought it was a good time.

The Good

The Dragon Fly.
I love these guys. Their just wickedly cool. Around July and August, one always makes the small parking lot at my work its turf. It spends most of the day hovering above one car to the next. It's very loyal. I'm not sure if it's looking at its reflection in our cars or just basking in the heat they radiate. I just know that that son of a bitch works damn hard all day to ensure I don't get bothered by any mosquitoes on my way to the car.

The Jumping Spider.
These little jumpers are the cutest darn spiders. They also provide my work with a valuable service as well. We usually get three to four taking up shop in our shop. They hang around the windowsills mostly and catch the stupid big bumbling flies that wander in. They're messy little things though. The fly carcasses pile up pretty quick and I must clean up after them. But since they provide the service of fly busting, I can't complain.

The Praying Mantis.
My favorite insect. When we lived out in the country we had a small screened in front porch. The screen, like the house, was old and it had a few holes and openings so many bugs would come in. And praying mantises would always follow to clean house. We would sit and watch them stalk a trapped wasp or a menacing looking spider. And always, a lone female would lay her egg sack on one of the beams in the fall. One day, next spring, we would see the egg open up hand hundreds of translucent mantises come spilling out. A couple of weeks would pass and I would start to see them again except they were ten times larger. Still only about an inch tall, but still. They would climb on the tip of my finger and do this little jig, swaying back and forth. Then they would be off to make sure my porch was clean again.

The Bad

The Mosquito.
This is a "duh" entry. Everyone, except a few warped scientists, hates these f*ckers. The fact that they kill more human beings and any other insect might have something to do with it. I live in Illinois. It used to be a swamp. We got em bad.

The Ant.
What? Why the ant you say? Because these little pricks make me be a better person. I have lots of brick in my back yard (paths, etc.). Ants love bricks. You know those ant supper highways you see in the jungle on the Discovery Channel? I have those. My ants are a third of the size of its jungle cousins but the effect is still the same. I'm amazed to watch millions of little creatures going from the middle of my back yard to the front somewhere. I haven't figured out what they're doing up there and I don't care. Those are ant problems. My problem is answering guests' questions of, "What the hell's that?" I would say, "Oh, that's just my ant super highway. Make sure you don't block it." But the reason they make me better is if I leave the merest fraction of a sour cream and onion potato chip on the kitchen counter, the next morning we'll have hundreds of guests. And they take a while to kick out. They'll stick around and see what else you got cooking. This forces me to keep the kitchen spotless in the summer. Thanks for all the extra work, ant jerks.

The Asian Ladybug.
I hate these asshole of an evasive species assholes the most. I really do. These assholes pinch my neck when I least expect it. And they stink if you squash them. Introduced to the USA back in the 70s, they've pretty much wiped out the nice, non-neck pinching red ladybugs in our area. I used to see them more as a child in the 80s, but rarely now. Did I mention these assholes pinch? Farmers, I know your crops are important, but please think the next time before you bring in a foreign insect to wipe out whatever pest is eating your plants. Thank you. Oh, and f*ck you.

The Pretty

Butterflies.
Who doesn't enjoy seeing a butterfly wisp past on a warm breeze? And not a single one has ever pinched my neck.

Sweat Bees.
I love when one of these little guys lands on my finger. They have an awesome iridescent carapace and mellow demeanor. They inspect my finger a little and then buzz off to probably pollinate some flower I probably enjoy.

The Cicada.
Yes, I know. Not the prettiest bug out there, but every year their lovely "zeuurry-zeuurry" song takes me back to a simpler time of dirt bike rides around dusk, gigantic bomb pops from the ice cream truck and trying to launch my GI-Joe figure with seven bottle rockets taped to his back.

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Bizay...

2008-04-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

Busy, busy, busy. These intervals between posts are a given at the moment. My day job is heavily bogging me down at the moment. Newsletter this, menu that, and business card or two... I hate working extra hours during nice weather.

And when I get home, most (to all) of my attention is dedicated to the little girl and cleaning up after five pets and three humans. So, blog is on the wayside more often than not.

Since my creativity is being directed more to my work than my blog (I wish it were reverse), I'm having a hard time keeping bottled up. Take this newsletter I'm working on for a financial organization. They want a four page newsletter but only supply me with two pages of information (typical with most printing customers) and insist on seeing a proof even though I do not have everything I need.

So what do I do? I add filler. Manx style. Here is what I used to fill the top of the back page.

They decided not to go with it but they did get a laugh. That's nice...now get me the rest of the damn info, people! You said you needed it by Friday. Sheesh.

And Their Refinement of My Sublime

2008-04-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

I had the utmost pleasure of seeing one of my favorite bands, Stars of the Lid (who haven't toured the U.S. in over six years) at the Staerkel Planetarium located in the Parkland Community College campus in Champaign, IL last Tuesday with my wife and brother.

I can safely say it has been my favorite concert to date.

One reason is the price in the lower right corner of the ticket stub pictured above. That's right. It was free. Another reason was the locale. If you want to get a novice astronomy buff excited, then have his favorite band play at a planetarium.

Tim gave an excellent recap of the evening here. Please visit for many cool details.

And now, a few observations by moi.

It was a much more intimate setting than I thought. It was a domed enclosure, no bigger than a medium sized movie theater. It looked like it could sit about 100 people or so. It had the most inviting ambient lighting when we walked in which made it hard to take photos, but to hell if I was going to disrupt the mood with camera flash.
Pictured above: (L) The soundboard. We sat about five feet from it. (R) The projection system which had us tripping balls most of the show. This picture is after the show ended and they raised it out of it's hiding spot in the center of the room

Christopher Willits was the opener. Very cool. That's him in the middle picture, messing with his sequencer while his visuals played overhead. The left picture was the still projected on the dome when we walked in. The right picture is a closeup of his crazy visuals. At that point it looked like vapors traveling down a drain. I'll have to see if I can score some of his music. All my money for the night was going to be allocated to SOTL paraphernalia.

Then the Stars came out. That's Brian on the far middle-left and Adam on the far middle-right in the white t-shirt. The three piece string section was located in between them. I recognized most of their songs. They played brilliantly.

To further the thought that they tailored this show for us was the fact that most of the visuals were 70's, Cosmos style space images. I would have loved to have gotten more photos, but most of the time I was glued to the seat in a stupor.

But, to give you more of an idea, here are a couple of short film clips I took...

They played for about an hour but it seemed like much longer. There were no encores and they quickly retreated after their last song. I figured they were probably just shy or just tired. The three of us sat, processing what we just sat through.

After about five or so minutes we got up and headed for the lobby. It was still full with the dispersing audience but I happen to look at one of the offices off to the side and saw the door was cracked with the lights on. I saw Adam sitting at one of the desks.

In case of meeting them, I had brought along one of their CDs in the chance hope of some autographs. Unfortunately, Tim and ~H~ knew I had done this so they verbally forced me to do what happen next.

I knew the band would not take kindly to pesky fan boys like myself begging autographs while they were trying to unwind after their show, but as my company reminded me, this would likely be my only chance. I tapped on the door and headed in.

It was truly my most gawky moment. Suddenly I was in a small office with two of my most influential artists and their backup string section composed of three beautiful women. They were all giving me this look like "What is this creature and what does it want?"

It was Adam who broke the awkward silence and said in a tired, casual and a little annoyed way, "What's going on?" I mumbled something like, "Oh, hey. I'm very sorry for bugging you guys....uh....just wanted to say the show was awesome." I'm screaming at my brain at this moment. Work, damn you! Work! Then I said something stupid like, "Oh, and I wanted to thank you for the shirt you sent me." I was wearing it at the time. For more about this shirt, see here.

Adam stretched and said, "Did I charge you or give it to you free?" "Free!" I blurted out. "Oh, ...then you owe me," he said. I was hoping like hell this razzing he was giving me meant he didn't hate my guts so far.

"Actually I was here to acquire more free stuff if you didn't mind," I said as I held up my Sharpie and CD. He kind of half smiled and took my pen and the CD and signed it. The album I brought was Per Aspera Ad Astra. It was hard for me to choose which one to bring. I love them all equally so I brought the one I tended to listen to the most. It's a quieter and murkier LP than most of their others but is richly layered and textured to my taste.

I tell you this because Adam gave the CD a questioning look as to why this one? I told him they were all my favorites but said I tended to listen to this one more. He simply asked in a rhetorical tone, "Really?" I wasn't sure if he was flattered or if it was an album he didn't share my feelings about. But he did not follow up with any more questions as to why, so it shall remain a mystery.

He then fled to the restroom in the lobby, probably in an effort to get away from me, where Tim had a brief encounter with him. So then I turned to the quiet Brian. He did not have Adam's gruff nature about him and struck me as a shy, modest, lovable chap. I walked up to him and handed him my stuff and said, "I love your work a lot. Thanks for this." He responded in a quiet, "Thank you. Thanks for coming." What a nice guy.

And then I fled with what little dignity I had left. I promised myself I would never bug tired musicians that I love ever again. I did it to Yo La Tengo and now I did it to Stars of the Lid. Oh well. Some would say the price they have to pay for being so damn good is putting up with toadies like me.

Anyway, here is the swag I collected from the lovely evening. Aside from the ticket stub at the top of this post, which I count.

(L) An 11x17 show poster. Limited screen print. (M) Their latest album, And Their Refinement of the Decline, T-shirt. (R) The autographs. Adam wrote "Slow down" which I thought he was referring to my demeanor but I later I saw it was the tag line on their MySpace page. And I'm not sure, but I think he's calling me "Free T-Shirt". Brian signed with a modest quote. Maybe he was too flattered by my praise.

The one small thing I liked about the autograph experience was when I gave it to them, they each took about 15 seconds to think about what they were going to write. If they were extremely annoyed by me, then they would have never have given me 30 seconds of collective thought. They would have just slapped an X on the CD and shoved me out the door.

Thank you, gentlemen. I had a wonderful evening. Thank you.

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Vs (Round 2)

2008-04-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

In keeping with the tradition of comic book publishers whoring out their characters and mashing them up in stupid "what if (some super-doof) battled (some other super-doof)" story lines, I bring you Round 2 of my Vs.

If any comic book publishers would like to use any of these ideas, they are welcome to. Just please don't give me any of the credit.

1. Superman Vs PacMan
The story: Superman is listless. He spends his days in the Fortress of Solitude playing arcade classics. Not so much the boyscout we were led to believe, he cheats and tries to use his fantastic abilities to beat all the highest scores on Earth. This angers the Atari God. In retaliation, he sends his greatest champion, PacMan, to dispense justice on Superman and to make sure the playing field stays level......forever!

2. Wolverine Vs Chester Cheetah
The story: After a rare marketing accident, a once lovable icon is now the world's latest super villain. A fire at a laundromat, a suffocation aboard an airplane, and a disgruntled employee shootout have caused the government to seek help. The X-Men are called and Wolverine is dispatched to deal with Chester and his LSD laced cheese puffs that cause his victims to do his bidding. This 82-part epic saga is a must have for anybody who cares!

3. The Punisher Vs Yogi Bear
The story: Too good at his profession, The Punisher has effectively reduced crime in his city by 99.9%. This does not detour him from tackling the other .1% though. His contacts in the Department of Natural Resources have led him to a picnic basket stealing syndicate known as The Hungry Bears. Their leader, Yogi, is about to get a wake-up call, Punisher style. This 1 part, 10 page story is a can't miss!

4. The Hulk Vs Donald Duck
The story: In a fight with local police, The Hulk hurls a squad car at his foes but misses. Instead, the projectile auto slams into Scrooge McDuck's mansion a couple of miles away. The inevitable explosion kills Scrooge and his three nephews. Vowing revenge, Donald uses his entire newly acquired inheritance to build a private army in order to eliminate the green brute once and for all!

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Our boy is back!

2008-04-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

My posting absence has been due to an awesome thing. My brother(in-law), Grant, has finally come back to the states after his tour in Iraq. We were to be given 48 hrs notice to the actual day he would be returning to Fort Riley. So when we got the call, we got packing. The brass said he would be getting in at 7:30am Friday morning. We left Thursday afternoon. It would be an 8 hour drive.

This first time father was about take his four month old daughter on a very long car trip. I had no idea what to expect but nothing was going to stop this soldier's family from being there. The birth of his niece had been one of the shining rays getting him through hell, so she was damn well going to be there the moment he was dismissed into our company.

So nine people took four heavily loaded cars and headed for Kansas.

I should stop being amazed by this child by now. Out of a grand total of 17 hrs of driving, she only fussed for about 20 min. Her grandpa nicknamed her "road warrior".

We were on the road for about 4 hrs when we get a call telling us Grant's actually going to be in at 3:30...in the morning, not 7:30.We estimated we would get to the hotel around 1:30am so it looked like sleep was out the window for us. We didn't care. It just meant we got to see him 4 hrs sooner.

We got to the hotel and threw our stuff down. We stretched and settled for an hour(had a beer) and headed off to the base. It's always weird to me showing up at a faraway destination at night. I know I'm in a different looking land, but will not be able to tell for a while.

It was howling winds and 39 degree temperatures at the base. I rushed the baby in under a blanket and we took seats in a hanger/reception building. We held our breaths and waited.

The soldiers marched in. He saw us and we saw him. The ceremony was short and he was ours.

I had the pleasure of introducing Grant to his niece. He took her from me and didn't let go for a long time. She met all his buddies and officers. She acted like she'd known him forever.

We got his gear and headed back to the hotel. By now it was 4:30am and it was decided that the drinking and rejoicing should begin. The Jack & Cokes and Guinness started flowing. I stumbled to bed around 7am to get a few hours of Zs.

I awoke around 10am and got my first glimpse of Kansas. Not as bad as some people have said, I thought. It's kind of like Illinois, but with more hills. Very nice.

We took the next day to rest up and catch up and do a little more drinking. To me and H's pleasure, they had a diversely stocked spirit shop at the entrance to the hotel parking lot. Grant played with Leah every second he could in between sleeps. Three days traveling on a plane has got to mess you up a little. It wasn't long before he had her cackling though.

The next day we toured Fort Riley a little. We had to drop off all his things we had brought from Illinois. His housing was your average 1 room/1 bathroom/shared kitchen with no stove dorm apartment. Probably typical for most privates. Don't want to make them too soft.

Speaking of not soft, the walls in the hallways were lined with sandpaper. I kid you not. It was some sort of fine granite spackle job. If you grazed it even slightly, expect to loose a few dermal layers. I wouldn't ever stumble down the halls drunk, I'll tell you that.

Above: 1. Leah snoozes on the way to lunch. 2. Kenny sounds off to H's salad. 3. At a brewery we ate lunch at, the table was covered with paper and they supplied crayons. I left this doodle under my plate. That's for not getting me my extra onions quick enough.

We had a blast with Grant, but time pulled a fasty on us. It seemed like we had just got there and it was time to be heading home. It's not all sad though. He will be back in Springfield in the middle of May and he gets a whole month! After biting our nails while he's been overseas for a year, the month until we see him again will seem like nothing.

Of course, we had to get the group shot.

We'll see you soon, Grant....again!

And now, some miscellaneous pictures of Kansas...

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Decision 2008.....with Critters!

2008-04-09T10:18:00.001-07:00

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A Most Sincere Apology...

2008-04-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the sporadic nature of my posts of late, but...

when I look at her, all gadgets are forgotten.

Plus, I've been busy at work too. What little I have done can be found here.

Cheerio.

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Find The Yoda!

2008-04-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

~ Updated ~

Samuraifrog got it right! After all his training, Yoda chickened out and hid in the bushes while everyone else took off running.

All of your extra credit was hilarious and nauseating, guys! Thanks!

And now to the good stuff. Tim gets a "6", Splotchy gets a "5" and Samuraifrog gets a "3". Congrats!

The Loot updated:
Tim: 6
Splotchy: 5
Cowboy The Cat: 4 1/2
Samuraifrog: 3
~h~: 1 1/2
Beckeye: 1 1/2
Anonymous Communist: 1 1/2

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Yoda apologizes again for his absence. He's been training for a marathon. See is you can spot him with the crowd.

The Rules:
1. The boy has no patience.
2. One guess per guesser.
3. No backsies if your answer is wrong.
4. If no one guesses right, the match will begin again.
5. Extra points will be given if you can guess the brand and flavor of Yoda's favorite energy drink.

click for larger view

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An Embarrassing Moment in Manx's Childhood

2008-03-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

Since the birth of my daughter, I keep getting all these flashbacks of my own childhood. This may sound nice and all, but unfortunately it's mostly my embarrassing memories that keep resurfacing. Some of them I haven't thought of in years. Some amuse me greatly and some make me cringe.

Anyway, why not put icing on the cake and let you all in on some of the less-than-stellar moments in my life.

In third grade, we were put to the task of making a Father's Day card for our pappies. I wanted to make a card that was very tailored to my dad's interests. He was a rock 'n roll musician, but I had already used that motif on something else already, so I went in a different direction with this one.

My dad was (and is) an avid war-history buff. We would watch many WWII movies and documentaries together. Although for me, it was an excuse to see some guns and fighting as apposed to actually learning some history. Hey, I was 8 years old. Sue me.

So I got to making this card for him. But who to put on the cover? I knew about Gen. Patton but did not know how to draw him. Who else was recognizable from WWII and easy to render with a #2 pencil? I know!

This is not the actual card. I drew this from memory as best I could. It's probably better that the original is lost to the ages. I'm just trying to think what our African-American teacher, Mrs. Walton, thought of my creation after I handed it in. I don't remember what grade I got on it either.

I do remember her asking me about it though. She did not seem angry or anything that I can recall. She was a cool teacher. She just calmly asked what was my inspiration was. I told her about my dad liking war history and how we watched movies and stuff together.

Looking back now, I think I can remember a relieved look go across her face when I explained why I chose Hitler for my centerpiece. I was probably mistaking her apprehensions and concerns as just interest in my card at the time since I drew it so well. I thought it looked cooler than the other kids, for sure. She probably had one hand on the phone ready to call the Feds or DCFS on my dad's ass if my answer had been any different.

I wonder what their parent/teacher conferences were like after that?

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Goodbye Old Friends

2008-03-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

It's been coming for a while.

I must finally say goodbye to you, my most favorite shoes ever.

It's been a great three year run.

Not that we ran all that much, but still.

I fell in love with these shoes because they were my ultimate everywhere shoe. They were action gear. They were passable semi-formal wear as well. I did everything in these.

I got sick of laces at some point in the last 10 years and my feet became addicted to suede. So for 10 years, I have been wearing skateboard shoes. I guess I might be classified as a "poser" since I've never skated.

If skateboard shoe companies weren't the only ones who made shoes I liked, then I would gladly give up my poser status. Such is life.

The old guys were finally showing the strain of camping, hiking, shopping, playing tag, etc, etc. But being a black , they held their composure and style over the years well. If you can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear, you'd probably get the impression that I'm the kind of guy who doesn't buy shoes that often, if at all. I usually wait for birthday or X-mas.

Yes, they have a few air holes now, but the tread held up surprisingly well. As you can see, I tend to walk on the balls of my feet like a ninja. On the right shoe, I have a constellation of paint drips from every paint job I've done the last few years. I only seemed to spill on the right one. Weird.

Sorry for the nasty closeup, but I had to show you what I liked about these shoes the most. The inside sole was this flannel, earth-tone pattern that I loved so.

Much of it is worn down, but you can get the picture. I actually could have taken the sole out and taken a picture of it but decided this was the less disgusting shot.

Plus, this one shows the savage puppy damage from our third canine addition to the family. They must have tasted like two-year-old shoe since she stopped at the heel.

Those were good times. But since we can't live in the past, it's time to unveil their replacements!

Ta Da! Vans! Poser status continues.

I know. You might say they look pretty damn much the same as my great old NSS's, huh? Well, they're not. I applaud Mrs. Manx for finding me the closest thing possible out there though. They're nice, although not quite as comfy. The heel has hard leather instead of suede, but they'll get softer eventually. But the thing I'll miss the most is that flannel pattern inside. Oh well, these are more covert.

We'll see how they're holding up after a couple of years.

Clash of the Titan and Non-Titan

2008-03-19T11:23:00.001-07:00

Aside from all the normal phone traffic at work, I, primary call greeter have to contend with a barrage of countless, annoying telemarketer calls. The automated ones are nice because you can hang up right away. But for some reason I have this inability to hang up on a real person. Just a gentleman at heart, I guess.

But it's the "real" people that I hate the most. It makes no difference if you sit through their long prepared introduction and "offer" and ask to be taken off their calling list or not. A new drone will take up the cause and you'll get that same 1-800 number show up the next day.

For the last week, AT&T has been pissing me off. Three calls a day sometimes! The last couple of days, when I see one of those toll-free numbers pop up on the ID, I simply pick up the receiver and set it down again. But that's a temporary fix. They are not detoured by this tactic.

Plus, it's probably dangerous to keep hanging up on incoming calls. Especially if it's just someone who wants a bill payed or needs to give us payment. So all right, I started answering them again this morning. Sure enough, around 8:30 am I get an 1-800 number coming through.

I get an idea. I pick up the phone and there's the usual pause before the cubical caller starts spilling the great deals AT&T has to offer. Then he begins with the usual "Can I speak to the person who handles your telephone accounts" intro. Now you would think, and I do this, that if you told this person that "the" person who handles that is not in the office that they would thank you for your time and let you go. Oh, no. They try and sell to any living being they come into contact with, like some weird teleparasite.

This time, after he said who he was and who he was after I said in my best simulated voice, "Thank you for calling Global Printing!" I say the "Global Printing" in a faster different voice to allude being pasted into a generic message and then I instruct, "Please wait while all our lines are busy." And then I put him on hold.

We recently got a new phone system which allows for on-hold music. Mistakenly, my boss put me in charge of the whole system. I usually whip up an interesting mix for anybody lucky enough to be put on hold. It has ranged from experimental electronic music like Oval to classic pieces from Mozart. Currently, I have a mix of a Japanese rock band from the 70s, called Happy End, which I've received mostly positive feedback from. By positive, I mean they were usually confused and amused.

Here's what Mr. AT&T representative drone #10,363 is currently listening to

So, I have him on hold. I'm hoping I have him confused and hanging up at this point. Now it was a waiting game. The call will ring back on my phone if it's been on hold for more than 2 min. I decide to wait and see if he sticks around to see what it's all about.

The two minutes pass and I picked back up. Sure enough, I heard the background bustle of a call-center telling me he was actually still there. In my most pleasant of automated voices I asked "Are you still there?" A little confused sounding, he said, "Yes....I was calling to talk to someone about..." I interrupted with, "All of our representatives are currently busy at the moment assisting other calls, please wait on the line. Your call is very important to us."

We shared a contemplative second of silence at which point I put him on hold again. As the next two minutes passed, my thoughts turned to the lengths this guy might stick around to try and score a sale. I know not much about the telemarketing profession, but my gut tells me it's probably pretty soul sucking. Being forced to annoy people in an inartistic way probably blows.

The minutes passed and I picked up the phone only to hear he was still holding on with hope. I couldn't do it to him anymore, no matter how much it was amusing me. I asked if he was still there in the same voice and he exclaimed, "Yes!....I was wondering if..." Time to raise him up. I interrupt again with, "Please wait while your call is being transfered."

Now to crash him down hard. I did the one thing these guys never want. I transfered him to the boss's voice mail. They don't have a direct call back number so there's no incentive to leave a message. Somebody else might get the credit if the customer calls back. I saw the voice mail light on long enough for the guy to realize what happened. About ten seconds.

Sorry, cog-in-the-system guy. I have nothing against you, but your corporate overlords have declared war on my work flow. This I cannot have.

Worst Case Scenario

2008-03-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

And the answer is.....B!

Congratulations, CTC, E and AC. You know how to get away from Smokey. John sat out, sadly. Splotchy, I will never preach to you about going with your first instinct. But, I might hand you a poorly xeroxed pamphlet about it.

The Board Updated

That's what we get for letting a highly skilled Naval operative into the game. CTC, I don't think you've got one wrong yet.

But, it's still any body's game, people.

Teenly Vulgar

2008-03-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

It was finally a nice day in central Illinois the other day. I was driving to work with the window partly down. Unusually on time, I saw the 10 to15 high schoolers hanging out at their bus stop. As I was pulling away from the intersection I heard one shout to the other, "F*ck, dude, that's totally f*cked the f*cked up." And the standard "F*ck, yeah" was the response.

I recently caught some old church-rock musicians complaining in a music store about how teens swear more than ever before these days. I actually heard one of them use "In our day, we respected our elders blah blah blah". I don't know who these guys hung out with, but I started experimenting with four letter grammar in the 3rd grade.

I have it from a good number of sources that most teens throughout history relish in trash talk. It's a f*cking right of passage, man. Being a dad now, I don't encourage it but "adults" are deluding themselves if they think teens curse more today than they used too. Kids love to swear. It's the easiest accessible taboo. The only difference today I think is that the little buggers just might be a little more in your face about it and all. And that's just progress, they say.

Anyway
In high school, senior year, my sixth period was being a teacher's assistant to the choir teacher. This teacher was also the mom of one of my best friends. It was a cushy assistant's job to be sure. I did and was required to do very little. She shared an office with the band teacher and this office was a gateway between the choir and band rooms. I hung out in this office all period with the band teacher's assistant, who was also a best friend of mine. It gets better.

The band teacher was very anal and territorial. He didn't like me wandering over to his side of the office. There were large windows on both walls that looked out into the band and choir rooms. If he saw me getting to close to his half of the office, he would come in and admonish me. In typical teenage form, I took a cue from Less on WKRP and made a dividing boarder, ceiling to floor, out of masking tape including a blank 2ft gap on the floor for the door that I would knock on and ask if I could talk to my friend. I truly think if he could have legally gotten away with kicking my ass, he would have. He disliked me so.

So there we were, nothing to do but to watch the choir class go around the room in a circle dancing and singing Walt Disney songs. We tried messing up their routine by making faces, flipping them off and pretending to smoke cigarettes but this grew dull after a while. So, we searched for other ways to pass the time.

After hearing the same Beauty and the Beast songs over and over, we would start to sing them to ourselves. Occasionally we would change the line into something vulgar to make the other laugh. Eventually we would have an entire section of the song converted pervertedly, which we would sing at the top of our lungs along with the choir. We could get away with this if the band next door was still in mid practice. But, there were a few times when the music would stop suddenly and we'd still be crooning. The band teacher would bust in and yell at his assistant, possibly give him a detention and then look at me. At that point I would usually point to the gap in the tape divider and say, "I'll shut the door."

Here's a couple of classic excerpts by us. The first one is Be Our Guest and the second is Gaston. Please, try and not sing our versions to your children if at all possible.

Be Our Guest or Be My Breast

Theirs: ................................................................Ours:
Be our guest! Be our guest! ...........................................Be my breast! Be my breast!
Put our service to the test ............................................Put my penis to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie ............................Rap the condom 'round my dick, cherie
And we'll provide the rest .............................................And I'll provide the rest
Soup du jour ...........................................................Soup du jour
Hot hors d'oeuvres .....................................................Hot hors d'oeuvres
Why, we only live to serve ............................................Why, I only live to serve
Try the grey stuff it's delicious .......................................Try the white stuff It's delicious
Don't believe me? Ask the dishes ......................................Don't believe me? Ask my b*tches
They can sing, they can dance ........................................They can strip, they can depants
After all, Miss, this is France .........................................After all, Miss, this is France
And a dinner here is never second best ..............................And a f*ck from me is never second best
Go on, unfold your menu ..............................................Go on, we've got a f*ck to do
Take a glance and then you'll ..........................................Is that one nut or two
Be our guest ...........................................................Be my breast
Oui, our guest .........................................................Oui, my breast
Be our guest! ..........................................................Be my breast!

Gaston or Gasdong

Theirs: ..............................................................Ours:

No one fights like Gaston .............................................No one f*cks like Gasdong
Douses lights like Gaston .............................................Gives cheap sucks like Gasdong
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston! .....................In an ass kicking contest nobody kicks ass like Gasdong!
For there's no one as burly and brawny .............................For there's no one as fury and hairy
As you see I've got biceps to spare ..................................As you see I've got no dick to spare
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny ..............................Not a bit of him's burly and brawny
That's right! ..........................................................That's right!
And ev'ry last inch of me's covered with hair .......................And ev'ry last inch of my ass is covered with hair

No one hits like Gaston ...............................................No one bucks like Gasdong
Matches wits like Gaston ............................................Molests ducks like Gasdong
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston .......................In a goat f*cking contest nobody f*cks goats like Gasdong
I'm espcially good at expectorating! ................................I'm especially good at ejaculating!
Ptoooie! ..............................................................Spoowie!
Ten points for Gaston! ..............................................Ten seconds for Gasdong!

When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs .............................When I was a lad I ate four dozen cocks
Ev'ry morning to help me get large .................................Ev'ry morning to help me get hard
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs ......................And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen cocks
So I'm roughly the size of a barge! ..................................So I'm roughly the size of a nard!

Well, I did say we had a lot of free time on our hands, didn't I?

Dos Effects: Apple Too

2008-03-10T09:05:00.001-07:00

If you're my age, then you might have had one of these babies to play with in grade school.
The Apple IIe.
And if you did then I hope, like me, your alloted computer time was devoted to...

Fun and educational you betcha! What other game would let you shoot as many animals as you want or travel at a grueling pace that drags your traveling companions down into choleraville?

I couldn't get my hands on the original 80s version (I would have had to fill out a 3 min survey) so we'll have to settle with this survey-free re-release from 1992. Don't worry, this download still opens in Dos.

I'm going to play a game of it as much like the last time I played it in 5th grade as I remember.

I filled out my name (Mr. Pump) and chose the occupation of teacher, the poorest one (only $400 to start) with no redeeming skills for the mission. I quickly documented the names of my party members and we were on our way!

Excerpts from the personal travel journal of Mr. Pump.

(Click the photos for larger views, kids!)

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - March 7, 1848: I attempted to caulk my wagon and float across the Kansas River with disastrous results. I lost two spare axles. Fucking Kansas.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - March 9, 1848: I decided it was time for a hunt. I proceeded to slaughter 10 buffalo, 3 deer and 4 squirrels totaling a whopping 2785 lb! Unfortunately all I could carry back in one trip was 200lb. The armadillos claim the rest before I can get back to it.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - March 10, 1848: Getting antsy. We change our pace from "steady" to "grueling". The Lord do loveth him a grueling pace.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - March 17, 1848: Scrotum Hair is suffering from exhaustion and Penis Vein has dysentery! Damn this grueling pace! But, what can you do?

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - March 18, 1848: One of the oxen is ill. Turn your heads children. This isn't going to be pretty.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - March 22, 1848: Penis Vein is well again! We quickly put her back to work.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - March 30, 1848: Never mind. She's dead. Damn. Our first casualty, and it's only the first month. Can't stop to grieve too long though. Penis Vein shall live on in our hearts, only she's got to do it from here. We gotta go.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - April 2, 1848: Got up early and decided to wipe out another ecosystem today. I laid buckshot into 14 deer and 1 fox. Claimed 200 lb of fresh kill but the other 1,500 went to the gila monsters.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - April 15, 1848: Scrotum Hair broke a leg. Had to amputate.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - April 15, 1848(cont): This is indeed a dark day. Not only has Vagina Lips contracted cholera, but now Anus Wrinkle is suffering from exhaustion. The lazy bastard will have to rest for a few hours. Vagina will have to take over his duties, cholera or no.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - April 18, 1848: Maybe I shouldn't have made Vagina Lips do all that work while she was sick. Unfortunately we lost her today. We pray the badgers do not dig up her remains and get a taste for human flesh.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - April 20, 1848: Anus Wrinkle has this annoying habit of sleeping on our hunting kills. Says it's good for his rheumatism. Unfortunately, his body heat has caused 14 lb. of our meat to go bad. We decide to tell Scrotum Hair it's the only food we have so he eats it.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - April 24, 1848: I guess we shouldn't have fed Scrotum Hair all that rotting meat. Sadly, we lost him today.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - April 30, 1848: Some perverted rustler in rambler cowboy jeans ran right off with four of the oxen last night.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - May 3, 1848: Ass Wrinkle's sleeping on carcass days finally caught up with him. He succumbed to the cholera this morning. I'm all alone now. He smelled like dead animal, but at least he was someone to talk to. It's just me and the oxen now. I'm thinking about asking the second one on the left to dinner tomorrow .

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - May 16, 1848: Dinner did not go well. The second ox on the left did not like my advances at all and ran off.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - May 26, 1848: So very sick. The dysentery's got me. Must go on.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - June 11, 1848: I've finally made it to the river I must float down (because I have no money to pay for the ferry) in order get to Williamette Valley! Must use my last bit of will and strength to forge these rapids of modest uniform speed with the evenly spaced identical boulders in them.

Mr. Pump's Travel Log - ?: I've made it! All sense of time is lost in this magic majestic land. I've befriended Paul Bunyan and his family and some grizzled prospector guy. I feel horrible for giving them all dysentery.

Turns out I'm a "Greenhorn". I guess all my party died, I was sick, lost multiple oxen and went a little crazy with the shooting of animals, but at least I made $1442.00! That was a lot of money back then.

I remember the Apple was stationed just outside the classroom. It was great because two of us could go out and play this "educational" game. There were many a time when we would get detentions for laughing too loud in the hallway.

Worst Case Scenario

2008-03-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

Manx caught up at work + boss out / blog commenting x low phone activity = more survivin!

And now, on to Round 4

This one will be worth 3 moves!

How would you get away from Smokey?

I found it at work...

2008-03-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

Actually, I found it in a Google image search at work. I was looking for clip art pertaining to Rodgers and Hammerstein's play, State Fair. Why Jim Post's album was thrown into my lot, I have no idea. Maybe he played at a state fair once. Probably twice.

If you're interested in hearing the song stylings of Mr. Post and want to find out why he loves his life so much, your best bet is to check your nearest Salvation Army thrift store's used vinyl bin. He'll be filed under "Classic Gay".

Dos Effects

2008-03-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

I was in a nostalgic mood the other day. Probably because of this post. Sure it wasn't a Hal 9000, but it was the closest thing I had. I stared to remember all the stupid, but fun, games we used to play on it. I started to think about old Dos text based games to be exact, and one game in particular made me laugh the most. The game put you in the seat of an 18 wheeler and your task was to drive from Los Angeles to New York with your cargo of choice.

Attempting to continue the theory that you can find almost anything on the web, I fired up Google.

Now, I couldn't remember the exact name of the game. I was pretty sure it was called "Trucker" or something so I typed in searches for things like "80s Dos truck game" and such. It only took about 15 minutes to track it down. Apparently someone else out there had the nostalgia and actually did the work of posting it up. The name of the game turned out to be....wait for it....

Yup. Big Rig. By Bill (it's got to be a fake name) Pogue. Aahhh, good ol' Dos command prompt.

So I thought I might share a few mystical journeys through this wonderful balsty from the pasty with you.

Like most games from that era, it activates that loud internal speaker in your computer. Luckily my laptop had a quick button to kill it. There are only two volume options with these games. Loud and annoying or off.

Lets see a little bit of the overview. I'm not going to show you all of it because there are like twelve pages of details. Bill Pogue was also an adventurous writer as well.

Like I said, there's twelve more pages of this crap. It pertains to speeding, the three different routes you can take to get there, truck stops and other stuff. Bill always refers to the police as "Smokey". A Burt Reynolds fan for sure. But as our humble creator, Mr Pogue, would say....

For our first adventure, I selected oranges, the post perishable cargo and chose the northern route. Here's where the fun begins. Your maximum weight limit is 40,000 lb. When it asks me how much I want, I remember I would always give two different answers. I would either type "1 lb" or "100,000 lb". Now the "1" it could accept as long as you could live with the hilarity of transporting one orange across the country. The "100,000" it doesn't like as much. Even before we begin our quest, 40,000 lb of oranges have spilled out of your truck which you do have to pay for.

This time, I type in "100,000 lb". Sure we're in the hole at this point but it only serves as motivation, right?

Here's typical game play. It tells you day, time, fuel, your condition and other things. There's usually a truck stop every three to four hours. You can stop and put gas in your rig and you also have the option of getting some Zs. As you can see, I'm cruising at 69 mph at the moment. Getting dull yet? Just wait.

So after driving five hours and ignoring a couple of truck stops I decide to stop and fuel up. If you need a frame of reference on how old this game is, notice diesel costs $1.00 per gallon. Here's where more fun begins.

As you noticed from above, you can input way over the amount of gas your truck can take. Anything over 200 and it spills. This time I had 186 gallons spilled. I wonder what the service station thinks about this idiot just pumping and pumping and watching it spill all over. I guess they don't care as long as I pay for it. And pay I do.

Sleep seems to work the same way. You can enter any amount and it seems to accurately track it. If you type in 72 hours, you'll wake up three days later. I wish I had this magical sleep ability. This time I selected 186 hours. I was feeling bad about all that gas spilled so I thought an hour per every gallon wasted should ease my conscience. Except, due to "daytime noise" (9-5) I only get 93! What did I do for those other 93 hours? Just lay there prone?

I don't think I ever transported oranges before, because I didn't realize "the refer unit" shuts off after your rig runs out of gas. Since it runs while you sleep, the truck ran out while I was napping. I wonder how many oranges went bad? Big Rig never tells. But I bet you could do the math.

Well since I ran out gas while I slept I got some more. Then, ironically, it asks me if I want to get some more sleep. Didn't I just get 93 hours? Oh well, put me down for two more just in case. Damn. Only got one due to daytime noise.

Burn. Smokey got me. I thought I would punch it to 75. For kicks.

If you get 4 tickets, you get your license revoked and your rig is impounded. Game over, man. I've played that road before. But that path is not for us this time.

What the crap!? I've never had this one before. Is this information even true? Or is the transmission shop always 300 miles away? And that "SORRY!!!" seems so mocking.

I'm all washed up, eh? Well, this post is not over yet.

OK. Start again. I pull into a truck stop after 440 miles of hard drivin. I was feeling lucky so I tapped a cool 1,000,000 gallons of gas. 999,892 spilled of course. I bet I ruined an ecosystem with that puddle. I was feeling real shity about that one so again I thought it best that I get an hour's sleep for every gallon set free.

CRASH!!!!!

Apparently the program had trouble adjusting its calendar to me getting 41662.16666 days of sleep and it shut down. I wonder what my oranges would have looked like after 114 years with the refer unit off? The programmer must not have added burial services parameters into the game. Although technically, I would only get 57 years of sleep, due to "daytime noise".

Dong! Start again.

By now, you're seeing what a blast this game is. But, we must at least once, make it through to see the big lights of New York. OK! This time we're going to make it.

Oh hell. Lets see what happens when you don't sleep. I'll sum it up quick. I promise.

Enough fooling around. We're gonna make it this time. We'll play it nice and safe. I'll go 55 mph the whole way. I pick the middle route, which Big Rig says has the least amount of Smokey and I'll pick mail as my cargo. This cargo is time sensitive so I'll get docked for lateness. Got to try and stick to 1,000 hours at a time.

This is it. We only have 65 miles to go! Just to be on the safe side, We'd better stop at this last truck stop and get a good 1,000 hours of snooze and wait out this blizzard until next season. I've consistently stopped at every fourth truck stop and have gotten 1,000 gallons of gas and 1,000 hours of sleep to ensure I'm always rested and rearing to go.

Ye Haw! We made it! And it only took 35 minutes of game play!

Wow. I always thought New York was a little less green. All right, now it's time to pull this baby into dock and see how much money I gots commin.

Wow. What a bad trip. Probably because some jerk was whining about his mail being two years late. A guy needs his sleep, man. I'll pay off that $75,594.68 with the next trip.

But in the end, Bill signs off with a generic "you may or may not have won" letter. If this game has taught me anything, it's that New York needs lots of things.

Thank you, Bill Pogue, for the trip down memory lane. The laughs are fresh again and I'll see you in another 20 years.

Find The Yoda!

2008-02-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

~ Updated ~

Cowboy the Cat is quick. And the winner! Special shot out to his and Splotchy's extra credit. CTC, you are now th proud owner of a "4" egg. Enjoy!

The Loot updated:
Tim: 5 1/2
Splotchy: 4 1/2
Cowboy The Cat: 4 1/2
~h~: 1 1/2
Samuraifrog: 1 1/2
Beckeye: 1 1/2
Anonymous Communist: 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You might no realize it, but Yoda's had a prolific acting career. Not just limited to Lucas Inc., he has had cameos in many fine films. See if you can spot him in this scene from Saving Private Ryan.

The Rules:
1. Away, put your weapons.
2. One guess per guesser.
3. No backsies if your answer is wrong.
4. If no one guesses right, the match will begin again.
5. Extra points will be given if you can sound off a couple of lines from Yoda's cadence.

click for larger view

Murphy's Law

2008-02-25T16:12:00.001-08:00

3. I'm having......trouble.

The Tao of Worf

2008-02-25T15:51:00.000-08:00

"Ugggh... Irving Berlin."

Murphy's Law

2008-02-22T22:14:00.001-08:00

2. Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

The Tao of Worf

2008-02-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

"I like my species the way it is."

Murphy's Law

2008-02-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

1. Drop it!

2008-02-16T17:24:00.001-08:00

Please visit the lobby for drinks & snacks while we wait for the show to start again.

Find The Yoda!

2008-02-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

~ Updated ~

Due to answer anomalies, we ended up with two winners this time. Splotchy takes the official win with first time player, Beckeye, also taking an egg.

Thank you all for the extra credit. I laughed harder than poo. You've all deserved your half eggs. Splotchy get a new "4" egg, CTC gets a new "3" egg and Beckeye gets her "1" egg. Enjoy!

The Loot updated:
Tim: 5 1/2
Splotchy: 4
Cowboy The Cat: 3
~h~: 1 1/2
Samuraifrog: 1 1/2
Beckeye: 1 1/2
Anonymous Communist: 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you all know, Yoda's pretty old. He's even poked his head into some famous historical events. See if you can spot him taking part in Lincoln's first inauguration in 1861.

The Rules:
1. Four score and eight hundred years ago, a little green guy was born.
2. One guess per guesser.
3. No backsies if your answer is wrong.
4. If no one guesses right, the match will begin again.
5. Extra points will be given if you can create Yoda's presidential campaign slogan and also what tune he would pick as his campaign song.

click for larger view

Actors I Like For No Good Reason

2008-02-07T06:43:00.001-08:00

D. B. Sweeney

I've only seen him in one or two things. I don't know if he's that good or not. But I like him.

Actors I Hate For No Good Reason

2008-02-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

Patrick Dempsey

I have nothing against him. I've never seen any of his work. But I hate him.

Worst Case Scenario: Round 3

2008-02-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

And the answer is.....C!
Congratulations, Splotchy and CTC! You know how to fight dirty. John, AC and Eric, I'd rather get into a fight with you guys. Less eye gouging.

The Board Updated
Looks like the Navy taught Cowboy the Cat everything about survival. It's still him in the front with Splotchy closing in fast.

Round 4 will start up later this week. I think Find the Yoda is about ready for a new match, plus Huygens needs to have another adventure in the meantime. Until then.....

A Regular Sighting

2008-02-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

I usually drive by the Sherwin-Williams paint retailer at least once a day.

Something about their logo just doesn't sit right with me.

Meme-ories

2008-01-31T13:18:00.000-08:00

According to channel Splotchy, January is meme month. I thought I had made it all the way through the month without a scratch but my meme-lessness caught up with me and I got tagged on the last day. Thanks a lot, Sir Splotch. At least it's pretty easy. It goes a little something like this...

It's all about word fun, because words are fun.

Give me 1 noun, 2 verbs and 3 adjectives you like. You can also provide an optional made-up word.

My words:

1 Noun: scuttlebutt
2 Verbs: smoke-up, bang
3: Adjectives: grizzled, plump, keen
4: Made-up word: fer'totally (heavy accent on the "fer")

I tag:
Those five people who read my blog but never leave a comment. You know who you are.

Worst Case Scenario: Round 2

2008-01-31T06:49:00.000-08:00

And the answer is.....C!

Congrats to AC, CTC and Splotchy for knowing how to bribe their public officials correctly. John, I know you did as well, but like you, I need to be rebellious sometimes too. And welcome to Eric who's joined in too! You got your purple piece, sir, but not the correct answer. Sorry.

The Updated Board
It's Cowboy The Cat by a nose hair at this point

And now, on to Round 3

This will be the last question this week.
Plus, this one will be worth two moves! Think hard about your answer!

How would you throw your punch?

Worst Case Scenario: Round 1

2008-01-29T17:51:00.000-08:00

And the answer....B!

I'm glad Cowboy the Cat knew what a cardboard children scam was, because I sure as hell didn't. Apparently he knows how to counteract it too, thus giving him the first leap in our game. Congrats, CTC!

Let's take a look at the board...
And now, on to round two...

There's still plenty of time for anyone else to join in. Think of a color game piece you'd like and I make it and you're in.
Colors already taken: Blue, Red, Orange, Green, Black w/Polka Dots.

Question 2
You have until 5pm CST tomorrow to make your guess. Good Luck!

Who wants to play!

2008-01-28T14:04:00.000-08:00

~Update~

We gots five players so far. You people still have until 5pm CST today to get in on the first question. I can make any color piece you need. Unfortunately five colors have already been taken.

Red: Anonymous Comunist
Green: Cowboy The Cat
Blue: Marie Carnes
Orange: John
Black with White Polka Dots: Splotchy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of years ago, my neighborhood was having its yearly mass garage sale. At one particular, I picked up this...

...for $4! I was never really a board(bored) game kind of guy, but one look at the clip-art on it and I had to have it. We've played it with a few people and it is hilarious, intentional or not. Some of the questions just boggle my mind. But I feel this poor game does not get enough use so I am converting it to an online version for you all. The rules will be simplified since no dice will be involved. So, therefore, the rules:1. First, pick your color game piece. I can make other colors if we get more than three people on board.
2. I will scan a question card from the game and post it. It will have a question and three possible answers. Only one is right.
3. You only get one guess, and other players can guess the same answer too. If that answer is right, you will both get to move forward a space.
4. First person to make it to the end of the board is the winner and greatest survivalist.

Here is the game board.

5. Anyone can jump in the game whenever they want, even if other players are halfway through.
6. Don't worry, there is a special prize for the winner.

OK, enough with the rules. Let's get this party started. Pick your color piece and answer this first question if you think you can survive.
(Warning: Some of these questions are bizarre, but I have not made any of these up. If you answer correctly, take heart. The answer could save your life someday.)

Question 1.
What is the correct course of action? A, B, or C?

An Obligatory Cute Baby Leah Montage

2008-01-27T09:04:00.001-08:00

Manx's Tips for the Living

2008-01-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

Don't let a naked baby sit in your hand. It's only cute on commercials.

Find The Yoda!

2008-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

~ UPDATED ~

Tim spotted Yoda's album! Unfortunately, not many customers did and that's way you can usually find it in Salvation Army's bargain 8-track bin.

Tim: You win the egg and get a half for that classic holiday title of ours. I get to skip making a "4" egg and go directly to "5" for you. Well done.

Splotchy: That's why they call him Tim Swift. The album sounds like some good R&B. It is a little known fact that Yoda was a "soul padawan" to Barry White. You've earned that half.

SamuraiFrog: Sorry you were late again. I'm starting to think it's unfair to force people to check my blog constantly to participate in this endeavor. I think I might start announcing the expected day and posting time for the next one like an Ebay auction or something. You earned a special laugh from me for your Simpsons reference. Your half is well earned, giving you a whole "1" now!

CTC: I dislike Urban's music so much that it's funny! I don't know what Nichole sees in him. Your half egg is secure.

Here's your new loot Tim and SamuraiFrog.

The Loot updated:
Tim: 5
Splotchy: 2 1/2
Cowboy The Cat: 2 1/2
~h~: 1 1/2
Anonymous Communist: 1
Samuraifrog: 1

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you know Yoda has a solo album? See if you can find it in this mosaic of record covers.

The Rules:
1. Concentraaaaate!
2. One guess per guesser.
3. No backsies if your answer is wrong.
4. If no one guesses right, the match will begin again.
5. Extra points will be given if you can come up with a name for that album.

click on photo for larger view.

A Fan Film Post

2008-01-22T08:56:00.000-08:00

I recently read a great post by SamuraiFrog about Star Wars. Being about his age, I shared most of his reflections about growing with it. I do not know a time without the cultural phenomenon just as my daughter will never know life without the Internets. Yoda always held a special place in my imagination, as apparent from a certain post I do. Star Wars was like crack to a child sci-fi addict.

I agreed that people take their criticisms of the franchise a little too seriously. By Lucas' definition, they're just popcorn flicks at heart. And, they are his films. As much as I hate Jar Jar, I can see watching The Phantom Menace again in the future with my little girl. Maybe she'll like him better than me. If die-hard fans thought they could do a better job, and probably could have, they should have came up with the idea first. Even with a lot of my favorite bands, there are some albums I love and some I don't, but I appreciate them all.

I'll leave you with two of my favorite fan films concerning Star Wars. I know, the Star Wars Kid is up there but here is an example of fandom gone horribly right. They're actually a little more entertaining that some of the light saber duels in the movies.

Ryan Vs Dorkman
The premise is simple.It's a fight. You can tell these guys practiced and had a little money to spend. But the nice thing is they don't take themselves totally serious. It's an intense fight but they, keeping true to their source, infused a little humor into the event. Especially with the finishing moves and in the title of the endeavor. Nice location too. I imagine it's two padawans that have a disagreement and meet in shop class after school to settle their dispute.

Ryan Vs Dorkman 2
I know. How could there be a sequel after what happened in the end of the first one? Hey, it's only a film. Besides, Sam Rami did a similar thing with Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2. This time out, the boys seem to have a little more cash to devote to the special effects. As entertaining as the first, I think.

Huygens' Log: Stardate Supplemental...

2008-01-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

Huygens' adventures are getting pretty in depth, so he requires his own space. Be sure to check out his happenings in 2nd Life from time to time.

here.

If I died today, I would regret...

2008-01-18T13:11:00.001-08:00

...not having anymore pelvis time.

Find The Yoda!

2008-01-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

~ UPDATE ~

~h~ successfully snooped out Yoda in the crowd and followed up with the chucklicious "Darth Rant" name for Ron Paul! She wins herself a golden egg and a half. Post it with pride my dear..

But wait, How could we forget the great bonus names from Splotchy, Tim and Samuraifrog? Darth 09/11, Darth Jesus, and Darth Windbag (Giuliani, Huckabee, Thompson) are all appropriate and hilarious Sith Lord names for these cretins. You all get your half eggs on! Splotchy, you get to update your egg. Samuraifrog, you're welcome to post a half egg until you get a whole one. Tim, your score is about to force me to make a new "4" egg soon. Here they are, comrades...
The Loot updated:
Tim: 3 1/2
Splotchy: 2
Cowboy The Cat: 1 1/2
~h~: 1 1/2
Anonymous Communist: 1
Samuraifrog: 1/2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yoda apologizes for his long absence. He's been on the campaign trail with Barack Obama these past few months. See if you can find him in this rally crowd.

The Rules:
1. Wars not make one great.
2. One guess per guesser.
3. No backsies if your answer is wrong.
4. If no one guesses right, the match will begin again.
5. Extra points will be given if you create a "Darth" name for any of the Republican candidates. (Example: Mitt Romney - Darth Uppity)

*click for larger view*

If I died today, I would regret...

2008-01-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

...not having seen that one Iron Chef episode with the enormous octopuses.

The art of detournement and safey posters

2008-01-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you why I get so much amusement out of altering existing images for the purpose of satire, also known as detournement. Maybe it's because I saw this Daffy Duck cartoon when I was young. In it, Daffy's sole goal was to draw mustaches on everything. It was hilarious and contagious. My brother and I took to the cause with fervor. Newspapers, Charlie Brown books, school books, we morphed them all. It was great to find other people who did it too. I remember in one of my history text books someone had drawn goatees and black-eyes on historical figures throughout the book. It was random enough to make it through screening for next years deployment so I was blessed to receive it, and it was just one of the little things that got me through 4th grade. Thanks for the laughs mysterious anti-artist.

Like any art form, detournement is so varied that it can be anything from a simple altering of letters on a marquee to the wacky graphic design work we see on The Daily Show. My personal favorite gut-busters would have to be the manipulated Garfields, by Tim. Because for me, the more bizarre the better.

I tend to work better on the computer/graphic design side and not drawn by hand. At work, like most other people, we have a slew of safety posters hanging around. I think it's the nonchalantness of the character's expressions that makes me want to change them so bad. Brad Pitt's character in Fight Club refers to the same thing about an airline safety brochure, which depicts doomed cartooned passengers calm and placid, which Pitt's band of pranksters alter later in the film.

My first installment was part of a series designed for women and the fun they can have with their husbands while the guy's tanked out on some kind of drug. This particular segment was dedicated to the pill, ecstasy...

After doing this, I felt like I had excluded some persuasions. Therefore an installment for gay men was produced. Same kind of theme, different drug...

This next instructional is a graphic step-by-step dedicated to the SNL digital short "Dick in a Box" by Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg...

There's plenty of posters left around work. Stay tuned........

Current mood translated through clip-art:

2008-01-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

As a new father, this clip-art best describes my condition most of the time now. "So very tired" is an all around state of being. I had my first sleep deprivation moment in the shower today. My routine is to lather the hair, lather the bod, rinse off and then shave. This morning I lathered up my hair and went directly to shaving. I was about to shut off the water and luckily checked my forehead for shaving cream splatter when I noticed a lot of suds. I had almost walked out of the shower with a shampooed-up head, no clean body to show of and cheeks as smooth as an android's behind.

I've heard, and now know, most new fathers feel like a useless dunce a lot of the time. Since I have no mammary glands to speak of, the little one has not much use for me. I try to help out as best I can with the diaper changes, clothing changes and bath times. Unfortunately, she doesn't like any of these things. I fear she's going to imprint me as a source of irritation and mom as the source of all things comforting(boobs!). Don't get me wrong. We have great bonding time and she'll snuggle up with me content for an hour or more. But after a while the nip craving kicks in and there's nothing on Earth I can do to stem the screaming and the wailing. I know this is a temporary thing and I will be able to feed her milk via breast pump and bottle soon to give mom a break.

The mother/new-born connection is truly an amazing thing to behold. A mother's bond in the first month is something a father can find himself envious of, even if it is a 24hr job. I know I'm a little jealous, especially being back at work, but I can settle with some snuggle time every now and then in the evening.

Someone has a sense of humor in our town...

2008-01-04T12:39:00.000-08:00

Across from my old grade school on 1st street, there is an old Sears appliance repair-center building. Sears closed it down several years ago and it was purchased by some people and converted into a warehouse area to be rented out for events, which they aptly (but unimaginatively) named "The Warehouse". It hosted everything from scrap booking parties to midget wrestling to semi national bands I care nothing for, such as Puddle of Mudd. It was always fun to see the goth kids all crunked up and hanging out in line on my drive home from work.

But as a pattern in Springfield, most interesting things usually don't last long. The Warehouse was closed down a couple months ago and put up for sale. I don't know if they didn't make enough money or if the mud from the midget wrestling was getting harder and harder to clean up. The last event held there, and stated on the marquee, was "book sale". Humorously, the owners or someone who worked there decided to give a "kiss-off" message to everyone and altered the letters after they closed down. I'm assuming it was an inside job because other letters have been added to modify the simple two word advertisement to this...

I have enjoyed seeing this on my drive home almost as much as the goth teens trying to get lit quick before their concerts.

I found it at work...

2008-01-04T10:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't been up in the break room much since I've back from paternity leave, but today I finally took a look at the items laying around on the bar. Note: I have not moved any of these objects for this photo except to spin the bottles for your label viewing.

And to answer a couple of your possible questions:
1. Yes, that is a real sawed-off riffle (not serviceable though).
2. That is a bag of some kind of tobacco next to the rifle.

Which leaves me with the tried and true expression:
What the hell's been going on around here while I've been gone?

New Year's Eve Montage: Live from The Bruhaus

2008-01-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

We are a sleepy Midwestern town. But at least we have the ol' speakeasy, The Bruhaus.

It was pretty hopping this time. We got there around 9 to ensure booth snagging rights.
Check out that beer list. There's a back side too!

And now, on to the rest....

2007: a good year for pointing at stuff

2007-12-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! (Because, technically, every day is one!)

An Obligatory Cute Baby Leah Shot

2007-12-29T20:18:00.000-08:00

Flipping Off Some Stuff with ASTSS

2007-12-28T07:54:00.000-08:00

Out of the nest for a while, I perchance to find myself at work catching up on emails, a few business card proofs and maybe, just maybe, a blog or two. This is the longest I've been away from little Leah since she was born (10 days ago) and it sucks. I miss her already. I actually had to put on pants too.

Family has been wonderful. We haven't had to cook a single meal in a week and a half and now our fridge is laden with leftovers. Oh man, it really helps. If you know any new parents, cook them something damn it!

Fortunately, Anonymous Communist has provided some material for one of my regular skits. I still haven't mastered holding a sleeping baby and one handed scanning/composing/posting yet so his contribution is as welcome as all the free meals.

Apparently, he had a vexing of a time during construction of a Barbie play set. The hilarious break-down can be read here.

So, this week, AC's magic wand tackles...

The City Pretty™ Townhouse and Dolls Gift Set

She is woman. Hear her coo.

2007-12-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

Hello.

Leah Noel, born 12-18-07, 6:02 p.m.

You're the best Christmas present ever!

And now, the brief photo adventure...

I recommend this sign for all expecting parents...

Grandma waits...

Mom is so much more brave than I...

Hello, Leah. Look out world...

I think Daddy likes you...

And so does Mommy...

And so does Uncle Tim...

She thinks "Okay, now what?"

Happy Holidays,
from this family to yours...

PBS Programming Guide Photo of the Month

2007-12-14T15:03:00.000-08:00

This month was a double issue! That means you get twice the PBS-ness!

January
Contorted faces celebration month.

February
Mad scientist awareness month.

See you in two months PBS fans!

Manx's Guide on "How to be a Camping Noob"

2007-12-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Find yourself a nice spot that's relatively protected and is a high-traffic area. The top of stairs are perfect for this (as I am demonstrating here). Then settle down and wait for the saps to come running in.
Bam! You got your first unsuspecting kill. Poor guy didn't even see it coming.

Step 2: Let the good times roll! If there are a lot of other players on the map, let them keep coming. It will take a while for anybody to get wise to what you're doing.
Bam! Take that, guy who thinks stairs are safe!

Step 3: About this time, some players may be catching on to what you're doing and start posting comments about you being a "camper" and what a "noob" you are. Don't get discouraged. They're just jealous.
Bam! Take that, guy who's catching on but still couldn't get the upper hand!

Step 4: Okay, now they are expecting to see you at the top of the stairs and will come running in focusing on that spot. Here's where you throw them a curve ball. Walk down the stairs about half way and wait for them again. Don't worry, technically you are still camping because you've only moved about five feet.
Bam! Take that, guy who thought I was still at the top of the stairs!

Step 5: By now, players on the other team are denouncing your name for your easy killing ways and demanding the server boot you from the game. Here's the great thing: You are not breaking any rules! They can't kick you off. This will only infuriate the players to the maximum level, and that works to your advantage again. They will rush into the building so pissed off at you, they don't realize you've moved five more feet to the bottom landing to greet them as they enter. They will be so focused on the the stairs fiasco, they won't even notice you.
Welcome friend! I bet you thought I was on those stairs, didn't you?
Bam!

Step 6: Go back up to the top of the stairs and begin repeating the process.
Bam!

You may be a camping noob, but at least you got a lot of kills and pissed off some people who took this computer game way too seriously. Enjoy!